Communicating with Your Teenager About Drugs

Understanding adolescence Adolescents and risk taking Communication approaches Communication barriers What if I think (or know) my child is using drugs? Understanding Adolescence Adolescence is the stage in development that bridges the gap between childhood–being dependent on parents, and adulthood independence. It is a period in which young people search for their own identity, to find out where they fit in the world, discover who they are, etc. This means that they often evaluate and imitate adults. They are often acutely aware of what society expects and they compare these expectations to inadequacies they may perceive in themselves. As a result, teenagers often feel accepted only when they are with other teenagers and, therefore, it is very important for them to fit in with their peers. For example, they often don't mind looking "weird" to their parents as long as they look OK to their friends. In the search for an independent identity, teenage behaviour may include rejecting or rebelling against certain social, culural or family values. Feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity are often acted out via mood changes, outbursts, etc. No matter how well you and your child have gotten along in the past, you are going to find your ideals challenged during this time, as your teenager constantly tries to work him/herself out, as well as the world around them. Parents often become frustrated and angry during this period, although much of this teenage behaviour is an effort to prove to themselves that they can survive away from the comfort and security of their family. Risk Taking Adolescence is also a time for experimenting and risk taking. Excitement may come from getting a driver's licence, getting into a nightclub, sexual contact, taking drugs, etc. Although many parents experience difficulty in talking with their teenager about certain issues, effective communication will help you provide much needed support for your teenager and will also help reduce your own worries and concerns. Communication Approaches One of the first steps in communicating with your teenager about drugs (or any issue for that matter), is to try to understand where they are coming from and what they are going through. As a parent, you have been through adolescence yourself and, although your experiences won't have been exactly the same as your teenager's, there will be similarities. Try putting yourself in their shoes and explore what they may be feeling. Parents often want to know what is going on in their child's lives, but then fall into the trap of telling their child what they should be doing rather than listening to them. You will need to discard the notion that your point of view is the only correct one. Four important communication methods to consider: honesty: let your teenager know what you would like to talk about and why. Discuss any concerns and fears, or any other feelings you may have, openly and calmly. Let them know what it's like to be a parent. If you have not communicated honestly in the past, it may take a while to regain their trust, so give it time. If your teenager sees you as being honest, they will be more likely to respond in the same manner. consistency: because your teenager will be aware of any hypocrisy they see, consider your own views on drugs. If you have expressed strong and inflexible views about drugs in the past, it will be difficult for your teenager to discuss the issue or their own situation with you. Examine your own use of drugs, including the legal ones–alcohol and tobacco. This doesn't mean that you have to abstain from them. However, if you acknowledge your relationship to these drugs it will strengthen your credibility and offer a good starting point for discussion. openness: be non-judgmental by not evaluating or labelling them or their behavior, but by being accepting and open to what they have to say. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with them, but it will let them know you respect their right to have their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You may want to use examples of your own or another person's drug use in a way that encourages your teenager to explore their own opinion about drugs and the risks of using them, along with potential solutions to the risks. If your teenager makes their own decisions about their behavior, you won't have to constantly try to enforce your own rules, that they may tend to break anyway. Negotiate ground rules together, where you as a parent and your teenager work towards agreement on matters that are acceptable to all parties. Remember that it is important for teenagers to have a sense of control over their own lives and for this to happen you will need to be flexible. listening: true listening means that the message of what someone is saying is received and understood. This is vital in any effective communication. Conveying to the other person that you really are interested in what they have to say helps to draw them out. Be aware that your body language too, including facial expression, posture, use of arms, hands etc., conveys to them that you are open to their concerns. Communication Barriers Be aware of any barriers in your communication as these will probably lead to an abrupt end to the conversation. These barriers often include: ordering - You must..., You have to..., You should..., etc; over-sympathising - Don't worry, you'll be all right; warning or threatening - You'd better ... or else...; lecturing - Did you know..., The truth is..., etc; diagnosing - Your problem is..., You're doing this because..., etc; judging - You're wrong, You're being stupid, etc; interrogating - What, Why, Who, How, etc; The above methods leave little room for the other person to find their own response or solution. Instead, ask your teenager what they see as potential problems and what they regard as the best thing to do. Remember that they are young adults and will most likely realise the answers that are most appropriate for them. They may want some guidance but offer it as advice (e.g. 'you will have to make up your own mind but I would...'). Encouraging your teenager to think about the problem and address it themselves will also provide them with greater confidence in dealing with future issues. Drug use is not the end of the world! If you think, or are aware, that your teenager is using drugs it does not mean that the usage is out of control or that they are dependent (addicted). Most young people who experiment with drugs will not go on to develop a dependency. Given that many young people will, at some stage, experiment with drugs, it is highly important that they get through this period as safely as possible. Think about why your teenager may want to use drugs and talk about it, including any possible risks they are exposing themselves to. Explore solutions with them. Let them know that you will be there to help them with any concerns or dangers that they may face. If you are part of a two-parent team, perhaps the parent who has the easiest rapport can initiate the conversation, or even another relative, a family friend, etc. If you are having trouble communicating with your teenager, there are professional services and support groups available, so don't be afraid to seek outside assistance. Remember that you don’t have to know everything about parenting, drugs or communication. Just having the will to discuss things openly is a positive start.

Reprinted with permission from

The Australian Drug Foundation
409 King Street, West Melbourne, VIC 3003
PO Box 818 North Melbourne VIC 3051
Phone: (011) 03 9278 8100
email: adf@adf.org.au

with minor changes from Australian to American English by DanceSafe.